DUKE 2011: GET AT ME, REDUX

As I sit here writing this my body is still sore from the past 72 hours of debauchery that took place while visiting friends in Durham, North Carolina. Referred to as “Trifectas” by me and my 3 partners in crime, these 3 day weekends, beginning on Thursday night, consist of one primary goal: Making sure that all 4 of us are drunk/ridiculous every single night. Trust me, it sounds just as ridiculous to me as it does to you, the reader. Let’s be real, I’m 25 years old and no longer an undergrad, my body does not tolerate or appreciate being treated like an amusement park. Amazingly, though all four of us are spread out across the U.S. (Texas, North Carolina, D.C., and N.Y.C.) we all make an effort to meet several times a year to carry out this ridiculous tradition which was born approximately 2.5 years ago.

I will now try to recount some of the craziness/ridiculousness that took place.

Thursday:

-Arrive in Durham, N.C.

-Pre-game way too hard. I need to learn the concept behind “pacing oneself”. Four Loko is involved, and let me tell you, it tastes like shit.

-End up at a Duke Law School party at someone’s apartment. It is way too tame for the 4 of us who probably seemed like crazed lunatics in comparison to the rest of the party goers. This outing leaves a lasting impression on my own friend, who states, “Duke Law kids are lame.” I also partake in the clichéd and embarrassing “drunk texting”.

-Head to bar in Chapel Hill. Upon arrival, there aren’t that many people there. Our group posts up in a corner and proceeds to dance like tomorrow is the apocalypse. Later evidence (photos from the evening) show that while the bar became insanely packed later on, nobody ventured into a 10 feet radius around the 4 of us.

-My friend (female) proceeds to smack the shit out of another one of my friends. Not out of hate, but out of love. Her reasoning? She wanted someone to smack her and figured this was the best way to ensure it. Luckily my friend didn’t slap back, that kind of thing doesn’t bode well in public.

-End up downing late night burritos at a burrito chain. Don’t really remember this.

-PASS OUT.

Friday:

-Recovery from Thursday night is ok.

-Another one of our friends is driving in from Ohio and should be arriving for dinner. He simply is RIDICULOUS. The group is excited at the prospect that his arrival will usher in more debauchery.

-My friend hosts a party at his relatively small apartment and approximately 30-40 people show up. Heavy drinking ensues again. However, there is greater interaction with Duke Law students and we come to the conclusion, yes some of them are douches, but some of them are also awesome.

-Friend from Ohio dresses in drag in the manner of Lady Gaga. Nothing like a black man dressed as Lady Gaga with a blond wig and legs in better shape than most girls I’ve seen. Also, Four Loko seems to be like water to him. This excites and worries me at the same time.

-All party goers decide to sing along to “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. Nothing like 30-40 drunk law school students belting out Backstreet Boys. I believe someone in the apartment complex calls the cops.

-As we are leaving to grab cabs, the cops show up. In a drunken panic attack, Lady Gaga believes the cops are targeting him, as he put it, “The Black Tranny with Four Loko” and proceeds to hide in the closet with said Four Loko. Low and behold, it was merely a noise complaint.

-Head out to another bar in Chapel Hill. Everybody is looking at Lady Gaga and loving it.

-Me and a friend belt out “Dancing Queen” by ABBA during karaoke at my request. Nothing like good Swedish pop music.

-They are selling cups of beer for 25¢ ENOUGH SAID.

-In the cab ride back to my friend’s apartment, Lady Gaga wonders if he can trade a “hot cup of cum” for his portion of the cab fare. My other friend proceeds to ask the cabby, “Is this what you expected America to be like?” I’m glad the cabby seems to have a good sense of humor.

-Post-party at the apartment results in one Duke Law student mooning everyone to prove he doesn’t have stretch marks on his ass. Mission complete.

-Everyone leaves and for some reason my friend and I decide to engage in a fight with a sex whip that our female friend from N.Y.C. had brought along. This thing stings like a bitch, and after being beaten on the feet for what seemed like an eternity, I am able to wrestle the whip away from my friend and lead a counter-offensive. My friend claims I was overly aggressive, but it’s true, he had red whip marks all over his back the next morning. I also seem to have hit a pimple, drawing blood in the whip attack.

-PASS OUT.

Saturday:

-Recovery from a second night is a bit more difficult.

-Plan for tonight is to go to a Duke staple known as “Shooters”. Not only is this bar 18 and up, but also includes a mechanical bull and metal dancing cage perched a good 10-15 feet off of the ground.

-Several Duke Law students join us for pre-gaming. One is a former Mormon who speaks fluent Swedish due to having completed his 2 year mission trip in Sweden.

-Lady Gaga has a complete second drag outfit for this evening. In my opinion it reminds me of a Tina Turner backup dancer. My friend from N.Y.C. decides to go to Shooters simply dressed in a “onesie”.

-Shooters is a hot mess. Whoever thought having a metal cage perched 10-15 off of the ground, which is only accessible by a ladder no more that 1.5ft wide, was a good idea is either insane or insanely genius. I’m amazed none of us fell to our deaths.

-We all take rides on the mechanical bull with partners. I’m sure we looked ridiculous, but then again, Shooters is absolutely ridiculous.

-Several of my friends fall a good 5-6 feet to the ground after falling from a raised dancing platform. This seems to be a common occurrence at Shooters, and luckily they are drunk.

-Post-party at my friends apartment. When Duke Law school kids leave, 3 of us decide to attack all food that exists in the refrigerator and freezer. A debate then ensues about North Carolina’s role in the Confederacy.

-I walk into the dark bedroom to see one of my friend “dancing” with his duts (read: his dick and his nuts) hanging out of his pants. He simply replies, “Hey man, I just wanted to dance.”

-PASS OUT.

the adventures of “squirtle”: dating, sex and power dynamics

“Got a call from my jeweler, this just in,

Bitches love me ’cause I’m fuckin’ with their best friends,

Not a lesbian, but she a freak though,

This ain’t for one night, I’m shinin’ all week ho”

What do the above lyrics have to do with gender power dynamics? To be honest, I’m not really sure. But what I am certain of is that Wiz Khalifa’s single “Black and Yellow” is 100% CERTIFIED DOPE. Perhaps though, through my eloquent and thought provoking writing (yes, I went to super college), you the reader will be able to infer greater meaning in the above lyrics after reading the following post (I highly doubt it though).

Like most individuals going through the clichéd quarter-life crisis, I often ponder deep questions such as: “What is happiness”, “Does love exist” and “Is Quiznos simply the Subway of the bourgeoisie?” Due to having great friends and Gchat, these deep questions are often pondered and discussed in great length during the work week. All joking aside, recent conversations with a good friend of mine raised some very interesting issues regarding dating, sex, and gender power dynamics in today’s twenty-something year old world. The following is her story, written with her consent, plus commentary.

A well-educated, attractive city girl, my friend who I will refer to as “Squirtle” (she chose this alias, I swear), has had her fair sampling of men. She is one of those individuals who knows what she wants and will use her capabilities to get them. This brings up the first and most obvious point. Individuals who do not know Squirtle (both male and female) may simply label such activity as being “slutty”. However, what does it really mean to be a slut? Is it simply sleeping with numerous individuals? If so, then why are men rarely called sluts and instead praised for their promiscuous activity? Double standard? I think so. I state this not because I am simply a guy selfishly promoting promiscuous females but instead because it seems that the label of “slut” is often used by both genders against females to mask insecurities. By calling someone a slut, you assume you are taking the moral high ground therefore justifying your own actions. It is disappointing that this method is often employed by females against each other. Males, assholes and animals that we are, often do the exact opposite. You don’t know how many times I’ve overheard random drunk males congratulate each other after bragging that they will be in fact leaving the bar/club/party/whatever with a female to go have sex. Why should females who know what they want not be able to explore sexual opportunities without fear of judgment?

Building on this notion, it has long been a stereotype that sex is something “sought” by men and “provided” by women. Anyone with half a brain will tell you that this is bullshit. Yet the issues surrounding the power dynamics of sex raise an interesting issue. According to Squirtle, the strongest defense a woman has is the initial holdout of sex. A “shit test” if you will to see if a guy is really interested in them, or simply interested in getting inside their pants. Being a male I can understand this. The timing issue, as Squirtle pointed out, is something I can only understand conceptually though. How does a woman calculate at what time in the dating process should she have sex? Too early, the guy may just “hit it and quit it”. Too late, and she faces the prospect of the guy losing interest. It’s like the problem faced by executioners back in the days of the gallows: If the rope was too short you risked strangling the condemned. If the rope was too long you risked decapitating them. You have to get the length of the rope just right in order to snap the neck. Delightful simile, no?

Squirtle raised another interesting point in that through her interactions, she has become jaded and cynical as to the possibility of any real emotional attachment forming between her and another individual (this may just be the angst of youth). There have been the instances of flings turning into “something more”, but they ultimately went nowhere. In one case, Squirtle ended the “relationship” once she deemed that the guy was incapable of showing real emotion. Legit reason to end the “relationship”? Sure, I think so. But here is the dilemma I see: If someone puts up strong defenses, how do they expect their partner to make an emotional connection with them? The metaphorical door swings both ways. We all put up emotional defenses in order to protect ourselves from all the assholes and bitches out there, this is true. But in order to have a real chance of emotionally connecting with someone else, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. This is something I’m just beginning to understand as well.

Lastly, and on a more humorous note, I love the fact that Squirtle will employ crazy tactics to see to what lengths guys will go to get laid. Recently, she employed “crazy game” in which she heavily flirted with a male and sprinkled disturbing facts throughout the conversation to see if the male would still be interested. They ranged from the simple, “I enjoy pain” to the more advanced, “I enjoy killing small animals”. Sure enough, none of these deterred the male. Haha, I love how simple minded us males can be. “What did you say girl, Jeffrey Dahmer is your hero? You’re hot; I can get down with that.”

 

Love is in the air….as well as college football

It’s official, with this week’s temperatures in the low-mid 80’s, fall has arrived in Texas (kind of a fucked up indicator, no?). In celebration, I fired up my hookah prior to work, opened the windows, and turned my stereo to the local soft rock station. While pleasant smoke filled my lungs and subsequently the oxygen that should have been reaching my brain, I couldn’t help but to be reminded as to why I really love fall so much. Besides the welcoming drop in temperatures, college football and Thanksgiving, I truly believe fall is the ultimate time in the year to hookup and/or find a boyfriend/girlfriend. But why you may ask? What is soo special about this particular season as to warrant an entire blog post? Well, it is my honor to present to you what should have really been developed into a full-blown college thesis: “Fall: Seasonal Effects on the Courtship Patterns of Homo sapiens” or as Marvin Gaye would put it, “Let’s Get It On”.

I will be the first to admit that my hypothesis lacks heavily in the scientific research arena, but contend that it more than makes up for it based on personal experiences and vague generalities. So let’s begin with the vague generalities. While summer used to be the all-time favorite season as a child, in reality it kinda blows now. Everyone is either working, or if they are still in college is probably stuck at some godforsaken internship. It’s hot, people are bored, and continual perspiration does not lend itself well to sexy time. Fall represents a rebirth if you will.  People are falling back (damn I’m clever) into their normal routines, hence the likelihood that they may be searching for something more stable than a summer fling. Furthermore, both males and females I surveyed (**um, my friends**) agree that cooler weather naturally unleashes the “spooning/cuddling instinct”. Some males may disagree with this assessment in order to safeguard their so-called machismo, but it’s true. Take it from a close friend of mine who once made the sad mistake of admitting that he enjoyed being the “little spoon” when temperatures dropped (mind you his girlfriend at the time was at least 6-7 inches shorter than him and weighed an approximate 70 lbs less than him). Even though I berate him to this day for his confession, my friend’s candor helped bolster the academic credibility of my hypothesis (whatever that means).

So with these factors in play, it is my belief that a “perfect storm” is created allowing people who are normally a bit shy to be more flirtatious in the fall. This of course all culminates in one magical/ridiculous/drunken night: Halloween. Halloween is great for numerous reasons: most people feel totally ok being somebody else, girls use it as an excuse to dress slutty, and let’s not forget the sweet, sweet candy. Mix alcohol into the equation and the next thing you know you’re flirting with a drunken princess/cute animal/cop (you choose). So with all of this said, I urge you to follow in Supertramp’s footsteps and “Give a little bit of your love” to somebody this fall. But please, not in a slutty way, just in that perfect quasi-slutty way that can somewhat pass for being classy.

The following are real experiences regarding fall for your amusement:

-While still in college, I was picked up by a Jewish girl on Halloween night at a bar. She actually thought I was Israeli (jokes on her) and proceeded to buy me drinks for the entire evening. This incident led me to conclude that Jewish girls are awesome because they are the ones who pick you up and buy you drinks. Hooray for gender equality! Note: She was dressed as a bumblebee.

-I met a girl I dated for a bit at a house party following a college Halloween party. While I was too drunk to recall meeting her there, and she later admitted that she had been on Ecstasy the entire evening, there was something magical in the air that night.

-While in grad school, I attended a Halloween party dressed as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. The evening ended with some smoochy-smoochy with a drunk bumblebee, who in a moment of utter silence proceeded to flagellate in front of me. She later blamed the pumpkin spice cupcakes that were served earlier in the evening.

*Writer’s note: I will definitely be keeping me eyes open for girls dressed as bumblebees from now on.

Also for your enjoyment, please find this dope video by LCD Soundsystem which was shot in Houston. Hooray for the robot!

the straight “gay” evening aka let’s dance

*Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece only apply to the specific individuals within this story. In no way should they be misconstrued as applying to entire groups of people. I guess this is my lame attempt at being PC, but most likely I’ll end up just saying, “Fuck it”.

Like most other evenings out in Texas, I found myself on the overcrowded back patio of a bar with my usual group of friends. Having deemed the karaoke bar we had previously been at “as costing a shitload for drinks”, we ended up hopping to another location in order to meet up with one of my friend’s “part-time lovers” (it sounds much nicer than friends with benefits) and her friend. Dressed in jeans and a black shirt, matched with my dark facial stubble, I probably looked like somebody you would see lurking in a dark alley. Anyway, as I was introducing myself to the two ladies we had met up with, my friend decided to crack a joke at my expense basically implying that I was gay. Poor girl, she wasn’t quick enough to catch that my friend’s statement had been laced with sarcasm, and so she innocently turned to me and asked, “Are you gay?” In that moment, not to deceive her, but more a show of defiance to my friend, I turned and casually said, “Yeah I’m gay.”

Previously, I had always wondered as to why having a gay friend was so popular among girls. I mean, I understand the benefits of being able to relate to someone of the opposite sex who in no way will misconstrue your kindness as a sign for sexual advances. But I mean really, c’mon, if this was the only criteria then flocks of straight males would be befriending lesbians, right? Based off of conversations with girls I know, aside from the “security” afforded by a gay friend they also felt as though gay men would be less judgmental of them than their female counterparts. And with a simple statement, I too would experience the “gay treatment” first hand.

As soon as I had made the false statement that I was gay, you should have seen it, this girl’s eyes lit up! Promptly, I was asked if I would be her friend. Feeling empowered somehow, because now I held the upper hand, I jokingly replied that I was not a commodity and that she would have to earn my friendship in order to fill her “gay best friend quota”. From that point on, she latched onto me for the remainder of the evening. The events of that night led me on two interesting avenues of reflection.

First, I would like to reflect on the girl’s reaction. After her initial excitement (I wasn’t aware meeting a “gay” guy was like meeting a unicorn or something), we launched into a natural conversation. However, her openness was a bit disconcerting since she even admitted that she would never be telling me these things if I was straight. Topics such as her insecurity, her fear of not finding a suitable husband, her age (all topics she brought up on her own), were all touched upon. In a way, it kind of saddened me because it seems she just wanted someone to listen to her without judging her. However, I will admit that I felt a bit like a commodity. Just because I was “gay” didn’t mean I automatically had to relate to her or act as her crying shoulder to lean on, and this was only one evening. I wonder if my gay friends ever feel annoyed that they are somehow seen as commodities by their female friends? I’m sure some true friendships form, but isn’t the initial pretense false if one assumes an individual will automatically relate to and like you simply because of their sexual orientation?

Second, and somewhat amusing to myself, was how the girl never even seemed to question my claim to be gay. Having close gay friends and having been exposed to the community, I am well aware that just like heterosexuals, homosexuals come in all different shapes, sizes, attitudes, etc. While our society has made great strides in accepting homosexuality, I still get the sense (especially in Texas) that people expect gays to be walking stereotypes: effeminate, skinny, lisp laden, well dressed men. I am none of those things, but I am also not a muscle-bound, Ed Hardy wearing, douchebag (a generic stereotype of men you find at clubs). What’s funny is that when I told a gay friend of mine the events of the evening, he replied “Yeah, you can pass for gay.” I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or something to be seen as negative. If that refers to my cleanliness, vast knowledge of pop culture, willingness to dance, and easy-going ways, then there are a lot of straight guys who could pass for gay.

I will be honest, while I did deceive this girl, I never used it in a manner to hit on her or perhaps make a move on her. However, I did enjoy an evening of honest conversation followed by dancing. I mean ideally, that’s a great time out, and it breaks up the monotony of the average sausage fest outing. Unfortunately, most everybody has their guard up at a bar or club, it’s instinctual. Most girls are probably annoyed when the majority of times their friendliness is misconstrued as romantic interest. As a male, it also annoys the hell out of me that it’s expected of me to approach females when you go out.  I mean, that’s just what you do. So a dilemma arises, how does one cut through societal expectations to just say “Hey, we can have a good time without all the other bullshit?”

i want you to notice when i’m not around….hence why I keep updating my damn FB status

Like millions of Americans this past weekend, I went and saw the totally bad-ass film Inception. However, this post isn’t about Inception (trust me, it deserves one, but I probably wouldn’t do the movie any justice). This post is about one of the trailers they played before Inception, you know the one, the one that made the entire theatre go silent because everyone could automatically relate to it: The Social Network.

Being released in October, The Social Network plans to tell the story of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, his ego, how Facebook grew from a Harvard dorm room in 2003 into the largest social network site in the world, and so on and so forth. Now, I must admit, the movie does look interesting, but what really set the tone were those creative bastards who chose the Scala and Kolacny cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” to be played in the trailer. And it got me to thinking, “What the fuck has social networking done to us?”

Now, I’ll admit, I’m no sociologist, or extremely old sage who has the wisdom of centuries (more like unemployed kid with a master’s degree), but I do remember what the world was like before Facebook, text messaging, and the constant, want, no NEED, to feel connected to everyone and everything, no matter how weak that connection is.

The thing is, Facebook is not something revolutionary because of what it does. No, in fact Facebook would not be what it is today if it weren’t for human nature. Yes, the technology is new, but that desire to know everybody’s business as well as showing off is as old as time. The danger however lies in the younger generations who do not understand that things like Facebook help to build on the foundation of real relationships, instead of replacing real relationships. Technology has made it possible to make our interactions, relationships, and communication all quick commodities that can be discarded if they do not please or serve us….

And here is the irony of it all, social networking only works because we actively choose to participate in it. Nobody forces you to put up a million pictures of that party you went to last weekend. Nobody forces you to change your relationship status so the rest of the world can know. In fact, you probably wouldn’t be reading this post if it wasn’t for Facebook. It would seem then that Mark Zuckerberg simply capitalized on this simple human notion:

“I want you to notice,

  When I’m not around,

  You’re so fucking special

    I wish I was special”

white people can’t dance. psshhh, this is the 21st century, the future is here

Well its been a while, and I apologize for the lack of posting. Furthermore, recently I haven’t come across any shitty pop culture that has really moved me. You know? Sometimes something reaches out to you and touches you (no, not in the creepy pedophile way). Well I am glad to say that the metaphorical dry spell is over. With summer and unemployment both here (yippee!!!), the flood gates to both my amount of free time and shitty/weird/pop-culture have been blown wide open!

So here we go! First off, we all are well aware of the stereotype that “White people can’t dance.” While any well educated person will tell you that stereotypes are in deed based off of a general truth, the reason they are called stereotypes is because they do not apply to all individuals of a group. Case and point, this beast of a dancing machine below! To be honest, when this video started I assumed, “Oh great, some indie white kid in his basement.” But let’s be clear, when you assume things, you make an ass out of both you and me (Get it, huh, get it? Pretty clever, huh? Ok, not really). Anyway, as the video progresses, you can clearly see that the boy has some god damn monkey arm moves that if he could also transfer to his legs, he would be the next Michael Jackson of dancing. Furthermore, the song “Jeffer” by Boys Noize is absolutely dope! So, if you happen to be white and are feeling a little self-conscious about your dancing abilities at a wedding/reunion/whatever, close your eyes and imagine this dancing beast. Let him guide you and serve as your muse. For one day, you too can drink from a volcano…

I just called to say I love you, wait, shit, what I meant is I texted you so we can hook up

Like any other typical Tuesday, I was at work looking up pictures of Sara Bareilles on the Internet (cause she’s super cute and talented) and listening to “Say It Ain’t So” due to my utter lack of interest in my job and any “responsibilities” it may entail. While such activities may seem “mindless” and “futile”, they are what keep me going as I approach graduating from my master’s program (read: HELLO SHITTY ECONOMY/WHY THE FU*K DID I SPEND 50K ON GETTING A MASTER’S DEGREE). Anyways, as you can imagine, I was in quite the reflective mood and therefore pondering the complexities of the world and the collective human condition. Then, all of a sudden, I was reminded of a conversation I had had the previous weekend. So sit back, relax, as I dissect the unique evolution of a courtship/mating ritual that we collectively have come to know as “THE TEXT MESSAGE BOOTY CALL”.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all know what the Text Message Booty Call is. As humans we have become so lazy, so self-indulged, that it only makes sense that we should only be required to expend the least amount of our time/effort in order to gain the greatest benefit. Enter the Text Message Booty Call. For the cost of about 30 seconds and some minimal physical exertion (read: moving your finger along your keypad) one could be potentially rewarded with the gift of fooling around/hooking up (pretty sweet deal, huh?). The problem however lies in how this technology has transformed how we view one another. Basically, everyone is a commodity to be used, discarded, or traded. For example, ponder this situation:

Upon leaving your apartment to go out on a Friday/Saturday night, you send a blanket text message to all of those individuals who you may have a chance of hooking up with that night. As the night progresses, and certain individuals respond and others do not, you can narrow your choices depending on what is available to you. It’s kind of like going to your favorite Chinese buffet, but the catch is you don’t know if your favorite dishes will be available that night. If their not, ehhh, you’ll settle for the half-assed lo mein noodles. The flip side is that everyone you have contacted for a possible hook up is doing the same thing. It’s as if there is a “Booty Stock Market” on which we are all traded (I think my stock is pretty low, but hey, I like to think that the underdog always wins!)

Now, don’t get me wrong, while I consider this phenomenon a representative example of how we as humans are becoming lazier and possibly functionally retarded, the Text Message Booty Call can also lend itself to some hilarity. The following are actual Text Message Booty Calls that my friends have either received or have sent out:

-”I want to fu*k you in the worst way possible.” – Ah yes ladies, I’m sure that’s exactly what you’ve been waiting to hear after a long, stressful day. Who said chivalry is dead?

-”Pleeeeease?” – Haha, this one has been used tirelessly by both men and women throughout the ages. Basically, when it’s 3:00am and your self dignity is nowhere to be found, you can always rely on this safety.

-”I don’t mean to make this awkward, but we should meet up later tonight and hang out.” – This simple and kind message was sent by a lady. Notice how she is polite enough to hope that her message will not make her man target feel “awkward”. However, she would like to “hang out”, and by “hangout”, she means “fooling around”, and by “fooling around”, she means “the sex”.  

-”I hate you so much, yet I want you so bad.” –This masterpiece is unique not only in its brevity, but also for its honesty. Furthermore, I think this message clearly shows that people should rise above petty differences to unite for the betterment of humanity.

Snooki is America

It’s the “Punch Hear Around the World”, ok not really, but as many of you who watch the glorious MTV reality show “Jersey Shore” already know, in the most recent episode poor Snooki takes what can only be described as a Tyson-esque knockout punch straight to her guidette face. “Oh my”, you might say, “Are you telling me that on the Jersey Shore people get punched? How could this occur? What’s happening to America’s social fiber?”

Ok, putting jest aside, the incident does raise some interesting points. Foremost, MTV has been getting a bunch of shit for the show because critics claim it portrays Italian-Americans in a negative light. Hmmm…..Perhaps a legit point, but let’s think about this:

1. The cast, which is filled with self-described guidos and guidettes ARE JUST THAT, GUIDOS AND GUIDETTES!!! They represent a small, yet highly entertaining demographic of the American, and Italian-American population. As a Middle Easterner, and more specifically an Iranian, I wouldn’t be offended if they made a reality show entitled “Tehrangeles”, depicting all the fine Iranian-American, no wait, excuse me, “Persian” trash that fills L.A. Are they an embarrassment to Iranians? Sure, but overall they are just an embarrassment to humankind. But more importantly, THEY ARE ENTERTAINING AS HELL!!!

2. Snooki, real name Nicole Polizzi (not that anyone cares), is the guidette that is just too stupid for you to really hate. Does she deserve to have the shit knocked out of her, of course not. And believe me, I do not condone violence against women, but would anyone think twice if a guido got punched in the face??? I think not. To play devil’s advocate, is there a double standard when it comes to violence? It’s ok to show violence between individuals of the same sex, and Hell, it’s even entertaining to watch a girl beat up a guy, but as a society we have chosen to draw the line when it’s a guy punching a girl. Think about it, Elin Nordegren beat the shit out of Tiger Woods with a goddamn golf club (the irony is beautiful) and everyone seems ok with it.

3. The sack of douche who punched Snooki, Brad Ferro, claims he doesn’t remember the incident. Oh, really? You’re telling me you may have been too intoxicated to remember punching a girl? Surprise, surprise, it’s the goddamn Jersey Shore for Christ’s sake.

Due to complaints, MTV decided the pull the clip of Snooki getting punched when they aired the episode. If anything, I watch the Jersey Shore to see real, unadulterated, guido and guidette action. For me, I want to see the punch because it reaffirms the fact that some guys are just big piles of douche. Airing the actual punch would show the world what an asshole this Brad Ferro guy really is.  

So in conclusion, my tiny, dead, little heart goes out to Snooki and all the females like her. Are they annoying, vapid, and overall big wastes of space? OF COURSE! But this is America goddamn it!!! A nation built on the principle that all people are welcome, no matter how stupid they are (I think the forefathers also mentioned things like religion, race, and whatnot, but shit, it’s been a long time since I took a government class). Therefore, punching Snooki is actually un-American!!! That’s right, I said it. Now if you’ll excuse me, this patriotism has reminded me that I need to go buy ammunition for my assault rifle from Wal-Mart (with prices soo low, who can resist!)…U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

and nothing else matters…

Much to my chagrin, recently I keep finding myself uttering the same phrase over and over in my head, “I AM GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!” The funny part is that I never utter this phrase in reference to mind-numbing pop-culture, oh no, I’ll never outgrow that. Instead, this phrase creeps up when doing academic things, things I used to pride myself on. You want to discuss the use of non-state actors to advance a nation’s strategic interests? Possibly debate the merits of realism versus constructivism? How about mull over the influence of Islam in Central Asia? I used to be all about this stuff, but if I’ve learned one thing in grad school, and one thing only, it’s that NONE OF IT MATTERS! Yes, you read correctly. Now, don’t get me wrong, being intelligent and worldly does have its advantages (editors note: it has never gotten me laid), but trust me, it doesn’t really matter. Why the cynicism you may ask? Well, there is a laundry list of things I could ramble on about, but here are a few that I think should convey my point, if not peak your interest:

1. Many of you know that much of this nation’s foreign policy decisions are made, or at least are approved, by the Congress. You think the Congressmen and Senators make these decisions? HAHA, let me introduce you to an overworked, inexperienced, 20 year old who we shall call Foreign Affairs Legislative Assistant. Yup, I’ve seen kids younger than me have to tackle and form policy opinions for the Representative or Senator they work for. Now you know why Afghanistan is such a dank hole (no disrespect to Afghans, they’re good people, really. Their country???? Ehh, not so much.)

2. As a nation, we are consumed with tabloids and pop-culture (I do love both). And let’s be honest, who has time to read the Senate Health Care Reform Bill (it’s over 2000 pages long) when you can be keeping up with who Tiger Woods boned, is boning, or shall bone in the future (If you’re Tiger Woods, anything is possible!). Simply put, it is almost our job not to care. That’s what the government is for, right? Oh wait, “Dem liberals iz try’n to tayk my gunz!”

3. Furthermore, those of us who have had the privilege (I use this term loosely) to have been in the work force understand that work has nothing to do with what you know, but instead has everything to do with learning to perform tasks. Some mundane, others not so much. You think anybody gives a fuck that you have a degree in Comparative Literature from Dartmouth? Nope, now go fetch me my morning coffee, intern. Oh and bring daddy change, daddy wants change!   

Simply put, this is my end of term rambling because I am pissed that I need to write a bunch of papers I procrastinated on. However, it doesn’t mean any of the points I have made so far are not true and depressing. My advice? The next time somebody tries to engage you in an “intellectual” conversation, simply smile and ask, “So, are you on team Edward or team Jacob?”

And it’s a sad, sad, world

Gird your loins men, because it seems that women are less happy than they were nearly 35 years ago, despite vast advancements in the work place, at home, and in society in general. Now, I know, I know, how could such a fine gentleman (read: 24 year old grad student who has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle poster hanging by his bed) possibly make such a claim? Well, if you don’t believe me, check out this study which has been making quite some news. It’s entitled “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness” and was carried out by two female researchers at the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania.

 

The Study: http://bpp.wharton.upenn.edu/betseys/papers/Paradox%20of%20declining%20female%20happiness.pdf

When I ran across this study I was automatically reminded of a Saturday night outing several weeks ago with a buddy of mine. So let me take you back, way back, back into time, as I recount to you how I personally experienced “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness”.

Like most outings, it had started innocent enough as a buddy of mine and I were drinking some fine beers and reveling in male camaraderie. The weather was cooling down, and one could not help to notice the groups of super cute girls who kept walking past us as they made their way to different bars scattered along the street. And like all things, it started with just a simple few words. As my friend finished the last of his beer, he looked at me with a look that was a sly mixture of satisfaction and mischievousness and uttered, “Let’s go have some fun.” Well people, it was on like Donkey Kong.

We wasted no time approaching different groups of girls and striking up conversations with them. My buddy was a goddamn natural at being a wingman, and so with his talents and my natural gift (read: girls thought I was non-threatening and/or gay) we soon found ourselves immersed in conversations with groups of girls. So far, so good? Right? Well, there was a slight problem….If the Grim Reaper himself came down and told me that if I didn’t flirt my life would end right then and there, well, I hope you guys enjoy my funeral! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FLIRT! So with this said, girls seemed to really enjoy talking to me because I was so non-threatening, or as I mentioned, perhaps they thought I was gay (does that mean I dress well?). But then I began to notice a disturbing pattern, almost every girl I would talk to (about 30 min into the conversation) would start talking about how they were unhappy. When I asked them why, it usually had something to do with how all their friends had boyfriends and they didn’t, or perhaps they really liked a guy but he in return liked one of their friends, and the list goes on. Now, this was just my experience on a particular night, so in no way am I suggesting that all girls are emotional wrecks looking for male companionship. But the pattern was a bit disturbing.

The last girl I talked to was the most interesting. On the surface you would have thought that this girl had it all: she was super cute, friendly, smart, and overall seemed like a good person. As usual, the conversation soon turned to her unhappiness due to the fact that she really was interested in a male friend of hers. However, she was worried that perhaps she would ruin their friendship if she made her true feelings known and also because this male friend was envied by all her other mutual girl friends. I tried to give her sound advice (God knows what that means) and help her out by providing a male perspective. As her friends were leaving, I took it as a queue to wrap up the conversation. However, as I was turning away to leave, she grabbed my arm and stated that she really wanted to continue talking, and that she would meet up with her friends later. Now I know it would be obvious to state that perhaps she was interested in me, haha, I don’t really know. What struck me however is that all she wanted to do was to talk to somebody, somebody who would listen, even if that somebody was yours truly who later that night would wage jihad on a George Foreman grill as he and his buddy attempted to make cheeseburgers in a highly inebriated state.

So what does this all mean? I’m no sociologist so I’m not too sure. But if there truly is an overall pattern of females becoming increasingly unhappy, then we have a problem. I mean, who will bake us cookies, clean our dishes, and allow us to watch football on Sundays? Ok, ok, I’m just kidding. I think the great James Brown put it best when he stated:

 “This is a man’s world,
But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl”