the adventures of “squirtle”: dating, sex and power dynamics

“Got a call from my jeweler, this just in,

Bitches love me ’cause I’m fuckin’ with their best friends,

Not a lesbian, but she a freak though,

This ain’t for one night, I’m shinin’ all week ho”

What do the above lyrics have to do with gender power dynamics? To be honest, I’m not really sure. But what I am certain of is that Wiz Khalifa’s single “Black and Yellow” is 100% CERTIFIED DOPE. Perhaps though, through my eloquent and thought provoking writing (yes, I went to super college), you the reader will be able to infer greater meaning in the above lyrics after reading the following post (I highly doubt it though).

Like most individuals going through the clichéd quarter-life crisis, I often ponder deep questions such as: “What is happiness”, “Does love exist” and “Is Quiznos simply the Subway of the bourgeoisie?” Due to having great friends and Gchat, these deep questions are often pondered and discussed in great length during the work week. All joking aside, recent conversations with a good friend of mine raised some very interesting issues regarding dating, sex, and gender power dynamics in today’s twenty-something year old world. The following is her story, written with her consent, plus commentary.

A well-educated, attractive city girl, my friend who I will refer to as “Squirtle” (she chose this alias, I swear), has had her fair sampling of men. She is one of those individuals who knows what she wants and will use her capabilities to get them. This brings up the first and most obvious point. Individuals who do not know Squirtle (both male and female) may simply label such activity as being “slutty”. However, what does it really mean to be a slut? Is it simply sleeping with numerous individuals? If so, then why are men rarely called sluts and instead praised for their promiscuous activity? Double standard? I think so. I state this not because I am simply a guy selfishly promoting promiscuous females but instead because it seems that the label of “slut” is often used by both genders against females to mask insecurities. By calling someone a slut, you assume you are taking the moral high ground therefore justifying your own actions. It is disappointing that this method is often employed by females against each other. Males, assholes and animals that we are, often do the exact opposite. You don’t know how many times I’ve overheard random drunk males congratulate each other after bragging that they will be in fact leaving the bar/club/party/whatever with a female to go have sex. Why should females who know what they want not be able to explore sexual opportunities without fear of judgment?

Building on this notion, it has long been a stereotype that sex is something “sought” by men and “provided” by women. Anyone with half a brain will tell you that this is bullshit. Yet the issues surrounding the power dynamics of sex raise an interesting issue. According to Squirtle, the strongest defense a woman has is the initial holdout of sex. A “shit test” if you will to see if a guy is really interested in them, or simply interested in getting inside their pants. Being a male I can understand this. The timing issue, as Squirtle pointed out, is something I can only understand conceptually though. How does a woman calculate at what time in the dating process should she have sex? Too early, the guy may just “hit it and quit it”. Too late, and she faces the prospect of the guy losing interest. It’s like the problem faced by executioners back in the days of the gallows: If the rope was too short you risked strangling the condemned. If the rope was too long you risked decapitating them. You have to get the length of the rope just right in order to snap the neck. Delightful simile, no?

Squirtle raised another interesting point in that through her interactions, she has become jaded and cynical as to the possibility of any real emotional attachment forming between her and another individual (this may just be the angst of youth). There have been the instances of flings turning into “something more”, but they ultimately went nowhere. In one case, Squirtle ended the “relationship” once she deemed that the guy was incapable of showing real emotion. Legit reason to end the “relationship”? Sure, I think so. But here is the dilemma I see: If someone puts up strong defenses, how do they expect their partner to make an emotional connection with them? The metaphorical door swings both ways. We all put up emotional defenses in order to protect ourselves from all the assholes and bitches out there, this is true. But in order to have a real chance of emotionally connecting with someone else, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. This is something I’m just beginning to understand as well.

Lastly, and on a more humorous note, I love the fact that Squirtle will employ crazy tactics to see to what lengths guys will go to get laid. Recently, she employed “crazy game” in which she heavily flirted with a male and sprinkled disturbing facts throughout the conversation to see if the male would still be interested. They ranged from the simple, “I enjoy pain” to the more advanced, “I enjoy killing small animals”. Sure enough, none of these deterred the male. Haha, I love how simple minded us males can be. “What did you say girl, Jeffrey Dahmer is your hero? You’re hot; I can get down with that.”

 

Love is in the air….as well as college football

It’s official, with this week’s temperatures in the low-mid 80’s, fall has arrived in Texas (kind of a fucked up indicator, no?). In celebration, I fired up my hookah prior to work, opened the windows, and turned my stereo to the local soft rock station. While pleasant smoke filled my lungs and subsequently the oxygen that should have been reaching my brain, I couldn’t help but to be reminded as to why I really love fall so much. Besides the welcoming drop in temperatures, college football and Thanksgiving, I truly believe fall is the ultimate time in the year to hookup and/or find a boyfriend/girlfriend. But why you may ask? What is soo special about this particular season as to warrant an entire blog post? Well, it is my honor to present to you what should have really been developed into a full-blown college thesis: “Fall: Seasonal Effects on the Courtship Patterns of Homo sapiens” or as Marvin Gaye would put it, “Let’s Get It On”.

I will be the first to admit that my hypothesis lacks heavily in the scientific research arena, but contend that it more than makes up for it based on personal experiences and vague generalities. So let’s begin with the vague generalities. While summer used to be the all-time favorite season as a child, in reality it kinda blows now. Everyone is either working, or if they are still in college is probably stuck at some godforsaken internship. It’s hot, people are bored, and continual perspiration does not lend itself well to sexy time. Fall represents a rebirth if you will.  People are falling back (damn I’m clever) into their normal routines, hence the likelihood that they may be searching for something more stable than a summer fling. Furthermore, both males and females I surveyed (**um, my friends**) agree that cooler weather naturally unleashes the “spooning/cuddling instinct”. Some males may disagree with this assessment in order to safeguard their so-called machismo, but it’s true. Take it from a close friend of mine who once made the sad mistake of admitting that he enjoyed being the “little spoon” when temperatures dropped (mind you his girlfriend at the time was at least 6-7 inches shorter than him and weighed an approximate 70 lbs less than him). Even though I berate him to this day for his confession, my friend’s candor helped bolster the academic credibility of my hypothesis (whatever that means).

So with these factors in play, it is my belief that a “perfect storm” is created allowing people who are normally a bit shy to be more flirtatious in the fall. This of course all culminates in one magical/ridiculous/drunken night: Halloween. Halloween is great for numerous reasons: most people feel totally ok being somebody else, girls use it as an excuse to dress slutty, and let’s not forget the sweet, sweet candy. Mix alcohol into the equation and the next thing you know you’re flirting with a drunken princess/cute animal/cop (you choose). So with all of this said, I urge you to follow in Supertramp’s footsteps and “Give a little bit of your love” to somebody this fall. But please, not in a slutty way, just in that perfect quasi-slutty way that can somewhat pass for being classy.

The following are real experiences regarding fall for your amusement:

-While still in college, I was picked up by a Jewish girl on Halloween night at a bar. She actually thought I was Israeli (jokes on her) and proceeded to buy me drinks for the entire evening. This incident led me to conclude that Jewish girls are awesome because they are the ones who pick you up and buy you drinks. Hooray for gender equality! Note: She was dressed as a bumblebee.

-I met a girl I dated for a bit at a house party following a college Halloween party. While I was too drunk to recall meeting her there, and she later admitted that she had been on Ecstasy the entire evening, there was something magical in the air that night.

-While in grad school, I attended a Halloween party dressed as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. The evening ended with some smoochy-smoochy with a drunk bumblebee, who in a moment of utter silence proceeded to flagellate in front of me. She later blamed the pumpkin spice cupcakes that were served earlier in the evening.

*Writer’s note: I will definitely be keeping me eyes open for girls dressed as bumblebees from now on.

Also for your enjoyment, please find this dope video by LCD Soundsystem which was shot in Houston. Hooray for the robot!

I just called to say I love you, wait, shit, what I meant is I texted you so we can hook up

Like any other typical Tuesday, I was at work looking up pictures of Sara Bareilles on the Internet (cause she’s super cute and talented) and listening to “Say It Ain’t So” due to my utter lack of interest in my job and any “responsibilities” it may entail. While such activities may seem “mindless” and “futile”, they are what keep me going as I approach graduating from my master’s program (read: HELLO SHITTY ECONOMY/WHY THE FU*K DID I SPEND 50K ON GETTING A MASTER’S DEGREE). Anyways, as you can imagine, I was in quite the reflective mood and therefore pondering the complexities of the world and the collective human condition. Then, all of a sudden, I was reminded of a conversation I had had the previous weekend. So sit back, relax, as I dissect the unique evolution of a courtship/mating ritual that we collectively have come to know as “THE TEXT MESSAGE BOOTY CALL”.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all know what the Text Message Booty Call is. As humans we have become so lazy, so self-indulged, that it only makes sense that we should only be required to expend the least amount of our time/effort in order to gain the greatest benefit. Enter the Text Message Booty Call. For the cost of about 30 seconds and some minimal physical exertion (read: moving your finger along your keypad) one could be potentially rewarded with the gift of fooling around/hooking up (pretty sweet deal, huh?). The problem however lies in how this technology has transformed how we view one another. Basically, everyone is a commodity to be used, discarded, or traded. For example, ponder this situation:

Upon leaving your apartment to go out on a Friday/Saturday night, you send a blanket text message to all of those individuals who you may have a chance of hooking up with that night. As the night progresses, and certain individuals respond and others do not, you can narrow your choices depending on what is available to you. It’s kind of like going to your favorite Chinese buffet, but the catch is you don’t know if your favorite dishes will be available that night. If their not, ehhh, you’ll settle for the half-assed lo mein noodles. The flip side is that everyone you have contacted for a possible hook up is doing the same thing. It’s as if there is a “Booty Stock Market” on which we are all traded (I think my stock is pretty low, but hey, I like to think that the underdog always wins!)

Now, don’t get me wrong, while I consider this phenomenon a representative example of how we as humans are becoming lazier and possibly functionally retarded, the Text Message Booty Call can also lend itself to some hilarity. The following are actual Text Message Booty Calls that my friends have either received or have sent out:

-”I want to fu*k you in the worst way possible.” – Ah yes ladies, I’m sure that’s exactly what you’ve been waiting to hear after a long, stressful day. Who said chivalry is dead?

-”Pleeeeease?” – Haha, this one has been used tirelessly by both men and women throughout the ages. Basically, when it’s 3:00am and your self dignity is nowhere to be found, you can always rely on this safety.

-”I don’t mean to make this awkward, but we should meet up later tonight and hang out.” – This simple and kind message was sent by a lady. Notice how she is polite enough to hope that her message will not make her man target feel “awkward”. However, she would like to “hang out”, and by “hangout”, she means “fooling around”, and by “fooling around”, she means “the sex”.  

-”I hate you so much, yet I want you so bad.” –This masterpiece is unique not only in its brevity, but also for its honesty. Furthermore, I think this message clearly shows that people should rise above petty differences to unite for the betterment of humanity.