Like any other typical Tuesday, I was at work looking up pictures of Sara Bareilles on the Internet (cause she’s super cute and talented) and listening to “Say It Ain’t So” due to my utter lack of interest in my job and any “responsibilities” it may entail. While such activities may seem “mindless” and “futile”, they are what keep me going as I approach graduating from my master’s program (read: HELLO SHITTY ECONOMY/WHY THE FU*K DID I SPEND 50K ON GETTING A MASTER’S DEGREE). Anyways, as you can imagine, I was in quite the reflective mood and therefore pondering the complexities of the world and the collective human condition. Then, all of a sudden, I was reminded of a conversation I had had the previous weekend. So sit back, relax, as I dissect the unique evolution of a courtship/mating ritual that we collectively have come to know as “THE TEXT MESSAGE BOOTY CALL”.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we all know what the Text Message Booty Call is. As humans we have become so lazy, so self-indulged, that it only makes sense that we should only be required to expend the least amount of our time/effort in order to gain the greatest benefit. Enter the Text Message Booty Call. For the cost of about 30 seconds and some minimal physical exertion (read: moving your finger along your keypad) one could be potentially rewarded with the gift of fooling around/hooking up (pretty sweet deal, huh?). The problem however lies in how this technology has transformed how we view one another. Basically, everyone is a commodity to be used, discarded, or traded. For example, ponder this situation:
Upon leaving your apartment to go out on a Friday/Saturday night, you send a blanket text message to all of those individuals who you may have a chance of hooking up with that night. As the night progresses, and certain individuals respond and others do not, you can narrow your choices depending on what is available to you. It’s kind of like going to your favorite Chinese buffet, but the catch is you don’t know if your favorite dishes will be available that night. If their not, ehhh, you’ll settle for the half-assed lo mein noodles. The flip side is that everyone you have contacted for a possible hook up is doing the same thing. It’s as if there is a “Booty Stock Market” on which we are all traded (I think my stock is pretty low, but hey, I like to think that the underdog always wins!)
Now, don’t get me wrong, while I consider this phenomenon a representative example of how we as humans are becoming lazier and possibly functionally retarded, the Text Message Booty Call can also lend itself to some hilarity. The following are actual Text Message Booty Calls that my friends have either received or have sent out:
-”I want to fu*k you in the worst way possible.” – Ah yes ladies, I’m sure that’s exactly what you’ve been waiting to hear after a long, stressful day. Who said chivalry is dead?
-”Pleeeeease?” – Haha, this one has been used tirelessly by both men and women throughout the ages. Basically, when it’s 3:00am and your self dignity is nowhere to be found, you can always rely on this safety.
-”I don’t mean to make this awkward, but we should meet up later tonight and hang out.” – This simple and kind message was sent by a lady. Notice how she is polite enough to hope that her message will not make her man target feel “awkward”. However, she would like to “hang out”, and by “hangout”, she means “fooling around”, and by “fooling around”, she means “the sex”.
-”I hate you so much, yet I want you so bad.” –This masterpiece is unique not only in its brevity, but also for its honesty. Furthermore, I think this message clearly shows that people should rise above petty differences to unite for the betterment of humanity.
