As an Iranian American, I guess in some ways I am genetically predisposed to have some affection for donkeys. See, back in the motherland (read: the number one state sponsor of terrorism), donkeys are viewed as noble, although lacking intelligence, beasts who carry out a myriad of chores. Got to haul some firewood? Donkey! Need to move your woven goods to the bazaar? Donkey. Shit, Tehran’s traffic got you down? Donkey! What I am trying to say here is that while donkeys will never be viewed as intelligent creatures, they simply get the job done. And for that, they deserve respect.
So with that, I would like to bring up Audrina Patridge. Yes, you read correctly, Audrina Patridge. Once a second fiddle to Lauren Conrad on The Hills, it seems that recently Audrina has “blossomed into her own”. For example, here she appears on the October 2009 cover of Maxim Magazine.
As, you can see, she is lookin pretty damn fine (if I do say so myself). While critics may quickly point out that our poor Audrina here is a talentless hack, I am going to be the bigger person here and respond with a query, “Have you heard of the movie Sorority Row? HELLO? BLOCKBUSTER?” True, true, in all honesty it would seem that Audrina is nothing but another delicious piece of eye candy thrown into the hungry and ever persistent open mouth of the whore we call “the general American audience”. But I’ll admit it, as a male of 24 years of age, I don’t care if Audrina is functionally retarded (which she very well may be), as long as she looks like that, who gives a fuck?
Which brings me to my second point, critics I have spoken to (read: friends who are females and perhaps maintain a healthy to slightly unhealthy level of jealousy) have told me that even if Audrina’s lack of personality, skills, intelligence, blah, blah, blah, are set aside, her face is ugly. “What dare you say vile wench?” is my usual response in most cases, but in this case I think I can understand some of their frustration. For you see, our sweet Audrina here suffers from what I like to call “Dat Lazy Face” or to put it more bluntly, “Dat Eeyore Face”.
This condition, which affects 1 out of every 10 hot bitches in America, is often misunderstood and therefore those who suffer from it are often unjustly discriminated against. It really is sad if you think about it.
Symptoms include:
1. The drooping of the eyes at their corners
2. A slightly droopy smile
3. A long, oval face, which only accentuates the previously mentioned droopiness
In what I perceive to be a set of features that add a down-to-earth touch of melancholy to any fine looking lady, most see as a set of features that make a lady look donkyish (hence the term “Dat Eeyore Face”). Personally I think this viewpoint is selfish, and further damages the weak and nimble thread that as a society we refer to as a “woman’s self confidence”.
So with this said, America, I implore you to show more compassion to our dear Audrina here. For she, like the numerous donkeys in Iran, are only working to make it by. She knows she’s not the brightest creature in the celebrity kingdom, but fuck it, she trucks on. With the body that God gave her, and the chest provided to her by what I can only imagine is one of the finer plastic surgeons in the L.A. metro area, Audrina is hustlin the game. Let’s be honest with ourselves America, the economy isn’t doing that well, we are stuck in a fuckin rut in Afghanistan, and the Republican Party has gone apeshit over healthcare reform. In this landscape we need hope. We need courage. We need a functionally retarded hottie to keep posing in tiny bikinis for our viewing pleasure. And that is exactly what Audrina does time and time again. She gets the job done, and for that, just like all the donkeys in Iran, she deserves our respect!
