Before the whole Autobot/Decepticon showdown begins, it seems the Autobots were busy carrying out black ops for the United States. This includes a little Middle East excursion in which the Autobots destroy one of Iran’s nuclear facilities. The scene included perhaps 5-10 extras that play Iranian soldiers, of which, two had simple speaking parts in Farsi. This is where I would usually tell Michael Bay to go fuck himself for trying to insert some watered down geo-politics into his already shitty movie, but it got me thinking…..HOLY CRAP! PLAYING THE STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN IN HOLLYWOOD MOVIES COULD BE A CASHCOW FOR IRANIANS!!!

Let’s be honest, Hollywood has gone through the laundry list of America’s enemies when picking who to portray as villains in their movies. During the 1980’s it was the Soviets (e.g. Rocky IV, Rambo III, Red Dawn, etc). The fall of the Soviet Union in the early 1990’s however left a vacuum since Hollywood had lost its traditional villain. This ushered in a bizarre period in which movie villains were often European terrorists or anarchists (umm…the entire Die Hard series). While this brief foray was entertaining, it was short lived. The 2000’s of course ushered in the era of the Middle Eastern terrorist (and by Middle Eastern, I mean Arab), though I give huge props to 1994’s True Lies for being nearly a decade ahead of the curve. However, in a period of greater cultural sensitivity, some of these films did try to portray the complexities of the geo-politics of the Middle East (most notably Syriana). Others simply went for the shoot-em up style found in The Kingdom.

Like all things though, times have changed. The so-called “Arab Spring” is upon on us. It is time that Hollywood move on to an entirely new bad guy……THE IRANIANS!!! Think of all the extra work opportunities that would become available for Iranian-Americans? Shit, I’m pretty sure you could film in parts of  L.A. as a substitute for Tehran. Now I know what you’re thinking, “This will only serve to further the negative stereotype of Iranians.” My response to this would simply be to look around you. We all have that cousin Dariush, excuse me…DAVID, cruising around in his black-on-black-on-black BMW blasting horrible Euro-trash music. David’s wardrobe consists of Ed Hardy t-shirts, designer jeans and industrial sized amounts of cologne and hair gel. Frankly, I think any damage to the perception of Iranians has already been done. Let’s at least make some money in the process!

Another point, probably overlooked, is the fact that on a basic level including more Iranians in films (even though as villains) may serve an educational purpose to the dumbest of the dumb. Let’s be honest, how many times have ignorant people just assumed that Iranians are Arabs? Wouldn’t it be refreshing for once to hear a redneck insult you by yelling something along the lines of, “Hey! Iranian! Take your ghormeh sabzee eating, ghalyoon smoking, Googoosh loving asses out of my country, white power!”

With all this said, I already have ideas brewing for potential roles that Iranians could play. One of this summer’s biggest blockbusters coming up is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I know someone who would be perfect for the lead role, what do you think?

To piggy-back off of Sarcascio, I present another great video/song that incorporates saving the world…and yes…dogs…

Dogs. Dogs are going to save the world. Awesome song, awesome video.

I found this gem of a video while conducting my daily “trolling” of the Internet. Aside from being totally absurd, this video kindly reminded me of when I tried to create a mock euro-trash DJ alter-persona known as DJ Sprinkles several years back. Armed with my fabulously gay hype-man/keyboardist (Eric, I’m looking at you), DJ Sprinkles was able to produce one mind-blowing song/music video: “Das ist Meat”. Despite rave reviews by my hype-man, the career of Germakistani (Half Pakistani, Half German, duh) DJ Sprinkles was short lived. Perhaps one day when I will upload the awesomeness that is “Das ist Meat.”

Despite my nostalgia for DJ Sprinkles, it is evident the boys over at the Handsome Sportz Klub take the whole faux euro-trash responsibilities very seriously. Never has a chorus been so touching as when it states:

“I ride my raza skoota through ze night, to get to your heart, to get to heart.”

I enjoy this video on several levels, but foremost for embracing the whole tongue-in-cheek humor of it all. Key points to be made:

1. Why does Dusseldorf look like Gotham City as the digital intro to the video implies?
2. The fashion style of the Handsome Sportz Klub falls somewhere between Falco and the Beastie Boys.
3. Are these Americans poking fun at 80’s German pop muzak (their German sounds pretty decent, but a final ruling is required by Sarcascio’s fiancé, who in fact is German) or Germans making fun of 80’s German pop muzak (even better)?
4. The post-apocalyptic opening scene is only made all the more complete by the presence of “raza skootas”.
5. The dancing ladies in black seem to allude to Robert Palmer’s notoriously bad 80’s music video “Addicted to Love”.

With those points made, enjoy:

Anyway, the main point I bring up Adele is her single “Rolling in the Deep.” I’ll admit, at the beginning of the song I was thinking to myself, “Hmm…Kinda dark smoky voice, bluesy, I likey.” Then the first chorus rolled up around the 1:00 mark and I couldn’t help but think that this song reminded me A LOT of another song. This of course led me on a 25 minute Internet safari until I finally found the song I was looking for, the ever famous “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones.

Released in 1969, “Gimme Shelter” definitely has this ominous feel. According to a Rolling Stone interview with Mick Jagger in 1995, Jagger described the ever present violence of the era, highlighted by the war in Vietnam, and that it was kind of an “end-of-the-world” song. I know, I know, it’s very easy to sit back with decades of time on your side and proclaim that the 60’s and 70’s were filled with rock classics, each conveying important political and social commentary simply not found in today’s music. Trust me, I’m sure there was a lot of shit music back then to, but nobody remembers shit music 30-40 years later.

However, a question remains, “Why hasn’t there been any quality, symbolic period music for the 2000-2010 decade?” I mean, this past decade (especially as an American) was wrought with major political and social events. Think: 9/11, the Iraq War, the Afghanistan War, the entire “War on Terror” mentality, the election of the first African-American president, etc. I mean, you would think such major events would inspire some really great music; songs that would stand the test of time much like the classics from the 1960’s and 1970’s. I’m talking about that instant kind of mental connotation that Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” conveys. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the first time I heard that song I instantly imagined rows of Huey helicopters flying through dense forests (and this is coming from someone whose parents were barely teenagers during the Vietnam War. Furthermore, the only time I’ve actually seen a Huey is at air shows).

Interestingly, it seems that Nirvana, especially their single “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, is being incorporated into the historical lexicon as the representative “period” music of the early 1990’s (I’m sure some people will disagree with this). But it remains to be seen what, if any, true period songs will arise from the recently passed 2000-2010 decade.

If any of you guys know of any, please let me know. Below, for your pleasure, are Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”, the Rolling Stones “Gimmie Shelter” and finally, a mash-up of both. I think the mash-up clears up any doubts you may be having over whether the two songs sound eerily similar.

I will now try to recount some of the craziness/ridiculousness that took place.

Thursday:

-Arrive in Durham, N.C.

-Pre-game way too hard. I need to learn the concept behind “pacing oneself”. Four Loko is involved, and let me tell you, it tastes like shit.

-End up at a Duke Law School party at someone’s apartment. It is way too tame for the 4 of us who probably seemed like crazed lunatics in comparison to the rest of the party goers. This outing leaves a lasting impression on my own friend, who states, “Duke Law kids are lame.” I also partake in the clichéd and embarrassing “drunk texting”.

-Head to bar in Chapel Hill. Upon arrival, there aren’t that many people there. Our group posts up in a corner and proceeds to dance like tomorrow is the apocalypse. Later evidence (photos from the evening) show that while the bar became insanely packed later on, nobody ventured into a 10 feet radius around the 4 of us.

-My friend (female) proceeds to smack the shit out of another one of my friends. Not out of hate, but out of love. Her reasoning? She wanted someone to smack her and figured this was the best way to ensure it. Luckily my friend didn’t slap back, that kind of thing doesn’t bode well in public.

-End up downing late night burritos at a burrito chain. Don’t really remember this.

-PASS OUT.

Friday:

-Recovery from Thursday night is ok.

-Another one of our friends is driving in from Ohio and should be arriving for dinner. He simply is RIDICULOUS. The group is excited at the prospect that his arrival will usher in more debauchery.

-My friend hosts a party at his relatively small apartment and approximately 30-40 people show up. Heavy drinking ensues again. However, there is greater interaction with Duke Law students and we come to the conclusion, yes some of them are douches, but some of them are also awesome.

-Friend from Ohio dresses in drag in the manner of Lady Gaga. Nothing like a black man dressed as Lady Gaga with a blond wig and legs in better shape than most girls I’ve seen. Also, Four Loko seems to be like water to him. This excites and worries me at the same time.

-All party goers decide to sing along to “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. Nothing like 30-40 drunk law school students belting out Backstreet Boys. I believe someone in the apartment complex calls the cops.

-As we are leaving to grab cabs, the cops show up. In a drunken panic attack, Lady Gaga believes the cops are targeting him, as he put it, “The Black Tranny with Four Loko” and proceeds to hide in the closet with said Four Loko. Low and behold, it was merely a noise complaint.

-Head out to another bar in Chapel Hill. Everybody is looking at Lady Gaga and loving it.

-Me and a friend belt out “Dancing Queen” by ABBA during karaoke at my request. Nothing like good Swedish pop music.

-They are selling cups of beer for 25¢ ENOUGH SAID.

-In the cab ride back to my friend’s apartment, Lady Gaga wonders if he can trade a “hot cup of cum” for his portion of the cab fare. My other friend proceeds to ask the cabby, “Is this what you expected America to be like?” I’m glad the cabby seems to have a good sense of humor.

-Post-party at the apartment results in one Duke Law student mooning everyone to prove he doesn’t have stretch marks on his ass. Mission complete.

-Everyone leaves and for some reason my friend and I decide to engage in a fight with a sex whip that our female friend from N.Y.C. had brought along. This thing stings like a bitch, and after being beaten on the feet for what seemed like an eternity, I am able to wrestle the whip away from my friend and lead a counter-offensive. My friend claims I was overly aggressive, but it’s true, he had red whip marks all over his back the next morning. I also seem to have hit a pimple, drawing blood in the whip attack.

-PASS OUT.

Saturday:

-Recovery from a second night is a bit more difficult.

-Plan for tonight is to go to a Duke staple known as “Shooters”. Not only is this bar 18 and up, but also includes a mechanical bull and metal dancing cage perched a good 10-15 feet off of the ground.

-Several Duke Law students join us for pre-gaming. One is a former Mormon who speaks fluent Swedish due to having completed his 2 year mission trip in Sweden.

-Lady Gaga has a complete second drag outfit for this evening. In my opinion it reminds me of a Tina Turner backup dancer. My friend from N.Y.C. decides to go to Shooters simply dressed in a “onesie”.

-Shooters is a hot mess. Whoever thought having a metal cage perched 10-15 off of the ground, which is only accessible by a ladder no more that 1.5ft wide, was a good idea is either insane or insanely genius. I’m amazed none of us fell to our deaths.

-We all take rides on the mechanical bull with partners. I’m sure we looked ridiculous, but then again, Shooters is absolutely ridiculous.

-Several of my friends fall a good 5-6 feet to the ground after falling from a raised dancing platform. This seems to be a common occurrence at Shooters, and luckily they are drunk.

-Post-party at my friends apartment. When Duke Law school kids leave, 3 of us decide to attack all food that exists in the refrigerator and freezer. A debate then ensues about North Carolina’s role in the Confederacy.

-I walk into the dark bedroom to see one of my friend “dancing” with his duts (read: his dick and his nuts) hanging out of his pants. He simply replies, “Hey man, I just wanted to dance.”

-PASS OUT.

Bitches love me ’cause I’m fuckin’ with their best friends,

Not a lesbian, but she a freak though,

This ain’t for one night, I’m shinin’ all week ho”

What do the above lyrics have to do with gender power dynamics? To be honest, I’m not really sure. But what I am certain of is that Wiz Khalifa’s single “Black and Yellow” is 100% CERTIFIED DOPE. Perhaps though, through my eloquent and thought provoking writing (yes, I went to super college), you the reader will be able to infer greater meaning in the above lyrics after reading the following post (I highly doubt it though).

Like most individuals going through the clichéd quarter-life crisis, I often ponder deep questions such as: “What is happiness”, “Does love exist” and “Is Quiznos simply the Subway of the bourgeoisie?” Due to having great friends and Gchat, these deep questions are often pondered and discussed in great length during the work week. All joking aside, recent conversations with a good friend of mine raised some very interesting issues regarding dating, sex, and gender power dynamics in today’s twenty-something year old world. The following is her story, written with her consent, plus commentary.

A well-educated, attractive city girl, my friend who I will refer to as “Squirtle” (she chose this alias, I swear), has had her fair sampling of men. She is one of those individuals who knows what she wants and will use her capabilities to get them. This brings up the first and most obvious point. Individuals who do not know Squirtle (both male and female) may simply label such activity as being “slutty”. However, what does it really mean to be a slut? Is it simply sleeping with numerous individuals? If so, then why are men rarely called sluts and instead praised for their promiscuous activity? Double standard? I think so. I state this not because I am simply a guy selfishly promoting promiscuous females but instead because it seems that the label of “slut” is often used by both genders against females to mask insecurities. By calling someone a slut, you assume you are taking the moral high ground therefore justifying your own actions. It is disappointing that this method is often employed by females against each other. Males, assholes and animals that we are, often do the exact opposite. You don’t know how many times I’ve overheard random drunk males congratulate each other after bragging that they will be in fact leaving the bar/club/party/whatever with a female to go have sex. Why should females who know what they want not be able to explore sexual opportunities without fear of judgment?

Building on this notion, it has long been a stereotype that sex is something “sought” by men and “provided” by women. Anyone with half a brain will tell you that this is bullshit. Yet the issues surrounding the power dynamics of sex raise an interesting issue. According to Squirtle, the strongest defense a woman has is the initial holdout of sex. A “shit test” if you will to see if a guy is really interested in them, or simply interested in getting inside their pants. Being a male I can understand this. The timing issue, as Squirtle pointed out, is something I can only understand conceptually though. How does a woman calculate at what time in the dating process should she have sex? Too early, the guy may just “hit it and quit it”. Too late, and she faces the prospect of the guy losing interest. It’s like the problem faced by executioners back in the days of the gallows: If the rope was too short you risked strangling the condemned. If the rope was too long you risked decapitating them. You have to get the length of the rope just right in order to snap the neck. Delightful simile, no?

Squirtle raised another interesting point in that through her interactions, she has become jaded and cynical as to the possibility of any real emotional attachment forming between her and another individual (this may just be the angst of youth). There have been the instances of flings turning into “something more”, but they ultimately went nowhere. In one case, Squirtle ended the “relationship” once she deemed that the guy was incapable of showing real emotion. Legit reason to end the “relationship”? Sure, I think so. But here is the dilemma I see: If someone puts up strong defenses, how do they expect their partner to make an emotional connection with them? The metaphorical door swings both ways. We all put up emotional defenses in order to protect ourselves from all the assholes and bitches out there, this is true. But in order to have a real chance of emotionally connecting with someone else, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. This is something I’m just beginning to understand as well.

Lastly, and on a more humorous note, I love the fact that Squirtle will employ crazy tactics to see to what lengths guys will go to get laid. Recently, she employed “crazy game” in which she heavily flirted with a male and sprinkled disturbing facts throughout the conversation to see if the male would still be interested. They ranged from the simple, “I enjoy pain” to the more advanced, “I enjoy killing small animals”. Sure enough, none of these deterred the male. Haha, I love how simple minded us males can be. “What did you say girl, Jeffrey Dahmer is your hero? You’re hot; I can get down with that.”

The Kingdom; AKA: Jamie Foxx blames it on the alcohol…and the Arabs

Green Zone; AKA: Did anyone actually see this?

Body of Lies; AKA: Aww yeah, Dicaprio all up in that Golshifteh Farahani

Black Hawk Down; AKA: Party in Somalia II, Electric Boogaloo in Mogadishu

What I’m trying to get at here is that for some reason, Hollywood feels the need to try and interject a certain sense of geopolitical “reality” into action movies as if gently acknowledging the sub-par intelligence of the masses. Well listen Hollywood, if I wanted to learn something worth value I would pick up a copy of Foreign Policy or The Economist, thank you very much.

I am pleased however to announce that the United States is not the only country to produce such garbage! Enter Turkish special agent Polat Alemdar (rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?) and the “Valley of the Wolves” series. It seems the character of Polat was born in a Turkish television series resembling “24” in which he battles enemies of Turkey (I’m looking at you Israel) and the series has expanded to include two films. The first film, “Valley of the Wolves: Iraq”, did gain some notoriety when it was released four years ago due to its plot involving Jewish doctors harvesting organs of Iraqis and transferring them to Israel for transplants (scandalous, I know). Well, it seems Polat is back again and this time it’s on like Donkey Kong…in Israel.

Enter “Valley of the Wolves: Palestine”. Hot off of the Israeli commando raid on the Mavi Marmara (the aid ship that attempted to break the Israeli blockade of Gaza in May 2010) which resulted in the death of nine activists, Polat decides to take his Turkish ass-kicking skills and a special hit team to Israel to avenge the deaths (umm…Munich anyone?). Based off of the trailer, what follows is a ridiculous revenge-fueled fantasy in which Polat and his crew dispense some pita-tastic justice on the IDF, Israel, and perhaps Jews in general (who knows). But remember, this isn’t just an action flick, this is a movie ripe with deep political commentary on the Middle East. Hence, such amazing dialogue as:

Israel Soldier: “Why did you come to Israel?”

Polat Alemdar: “I did not come to Israel, I came to Palestine.”

Israeli: “You know you won’t make it out of our Promised Land.”

Polat Alemdar: “I don’t know what part of this land has been promised to you, but I promise you-six feet under.”

Oh snap, if that ridiculous dialogue doesn’t get you pumped, I don’t know what will. I have to admit though, the production quality doesn’t look bad on this film. Having unfortunately been exposed to numerous Turkish soap operas by my grandma, Polat may be the best thing Turkey has going for it (besides delicious doner kabob).

View the ridiculous trailer below:

As if to only nurture my immature fascination with Latvia (mostly its attractive, educated, female population), the BBC recently published an article confirming my hopes and dreams. It seems there is a serious man shortage in Latvia, and the ladies aren’t too happy about it! According to the report, there are 8% more women in Latvia than men, and Latvian women live 11 years longer on average than their male counterparts (the highest disparity in all of the European Union). So what gives right? I mean, if I was a Latvian guy surrounded by man-hungry Latvian girls, wouldn’t things just be grand?

Well, like most things in the former Soviet Union, it seems things are kind of shitty for Latvian men. Latvia’s abrupt transition to capitalism 20 years ago put massive pressure on men to become financially successful in an economic system unfamiliar to them. This coupled with heavy drinking (in Soviet Russia, vodka drinks you!), depression, and a machismo culture, seems to account for the poor state of Latvian men. Currently, more than 80% of suicides in Latvia are committed by men.

As could be expected, the pretty ladies of Latvia (remember, in my simple mind Latvia’s female population is comprised entirely of some variant of the girl in my grad school class) are not happy that not only is there a shortage of men, but that there is a lack in quality. According to Latvian sex columnist Dace Ruksane, “They [females] want to find partners who are equal to them. But a man, having this choice, doesn’t need to be very perfect.” Man, talk about raining hate on those Latvian men! I mean shit, how would I stack up then? I live at home, drive a Honda Civic (aka the Jihadmobile), and enjoy episodes of Frontline (gotsta represent that PBS!).

So where does this leave things? It seems young Latvian women are travelling abroad to meet suitable partners. Being a cosmopolitan young man, I started to wonder; wouldn’t it be dope if I travelled to Latvia to see what’s up? You know, see a new place, gain some culture, and perhaps find a lady friend? But alas, the constraints of my day-to-day life prohibit me from undertaking such an adventure. Now for those of you who may be shaking your heads (I presume the female readers, if this blog does in fact have readers) thinking these must be the unrealistic musings of a typical young male (and they are), it might surprise you to know that sometimes pipe dreams do become reality. My grumpy co-author of this blog, Sarcascio, met his current lady friend while backpacking in Germany.

*In my mind, this is EXACTLY how my trip to Latvia would play itself out*