stereotypes for money? hell yes!

I recently made the sad, sad mistake of wasting over two hours of my life watching the atrocity known as Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I HATE YOU MICHAEL BAY! I HATE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH. OK, now that that is out of my system, let me continue. There were so many things wrong with this movie that even the presence of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley did little to abate my frustration. However, there was a very short scene in the film, near the beginning, that caught my attention.

Before the whole Autobot/Decepticon showdown begins, it seems the Autobots were busy carrying out black ops for the United States. This includes a little Middle East excursion in which the Autobots destroy one of Iran’s nuclear facilities. The scene included perhaps 5-10 extras that play Iranian soldiers, of which, two had simple speaking parts in Farsi. This is where I would usually tell Michael Bay to go fuck himself for trying to insert some watered down geo-politics into his already shitty movie, but it got me thinking…..HOLY CRAP! PLAYING THE STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN IN HOLLYWOOD MOVIES COULD BE A CASHCOW FOR IRANIANS!!!

Let’s be honest, Hollywood has gone through the laundry list of America’s enemies when picking who to portray as villains in their movies. During the 1980’s it was the Soviets (e.g. Rocky IV, Rambo III, Red Dawn, etc). The fall of the Soviet Union in the early 1990’s however left a vacuum since Hollywood had lost its traditional villain. This ushered in a bizarre period in which movie villains were often European terrorists or anarchists (umm…the entire Die Hard series). While this brief foray was entertaining, it was short lived. The 2000’s of course ushered in the era of the Middle Eastern terrorist (and by Middle Eastern, I mean Arab), though I give huge props to 1994’s True Lies for being nearly a decade ahead of the curve. However, in a period of greater cultural sensitivity, some of these films did try to portray the complexities of the geo-politics of the Middle East (most notably Syriana). Others simply went for the shoot-em up style found in The Kingdom.

Like all things though, times have changed. The so-called “Arab Spring” is upon on us. It is time that Hollywood move on to an entirely new bad guy……THE IRANIANS!!! Think of all the extra work opportunities that would become available for Iranian-Americans? Shit, I’m pretty sure you could film in parts of  L.A. as a substitute for Tehran. Now I know what you’re thinking, “This will only serve to further the negative stereotype of Iranians.” My response to this would simply be to look around you. We all have that cousin Dariush, excuse me…DAVID, cruising around in his black-on-black-on-black BMW blasting horrible Euro-trash music. David’s wardrobe consists of Ed Hardy t-shirts, designer jeans and industrial sized amounts of cologne and hair gel. Frankly, I think any damage to the perception of Iranians has already been done. Let’s at least make some money in the process!

Another point, probably overlooked, is the fact that on a basic level including more Iranians in films (even though as villains) may serve an educational purpose to the dumbest of the dumb. Let’s be honest, how many times have ignorant people just assumed that Iranians are Arabs? Wouldn’t it be refreshing for once to hear a redneck insult you by yelling something along the lines of, “Hey! Iranian! Take your ghormeh sabzee eating, ghalyoon smoking, Googoosh loving asses out of my country, white power!”

With all this said, I already have ideas brewing for potential roles that Iranians could play. One of this summer’s biggest blockbusters coming up is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I know someone who would be perfect for the lead role, what do you think?

 

world hold on…

 

To piggy-back off of Sarcascio, I present another great video/song that incorporates saving the world…and yes…dogs…

my kingdom for a “raza skoota”

I found this gem of a video while conducting my daily “trolling” of the Internet. Aside from being totally absurd, this video kindly reminded me of when I tried to create a mock euro-trash DJ alter-persona known as DJ Sprinkles several years back. Armed with my fabulously gay hype-man/keyboardist (Eric, I’m looking at you), DJ Sprinkles was able to produce one mind-blowing song/music video: “Das ist Meat”. Despite rave reviews by my hype-man, the career of Germakistani (Half Pakistani, Half German, duh) DJ Sprinkles was short lived. Perhaps one day when I will upload the awesomeness that is “Das ist Meat.”

Despite my nostalgia for DJ Sprinkles, it is evident the boys over at the Handsome Sportz Klub take the whole faux euro-trash responsibilities very seriously. Never has a chorus been so touching as when it states:

“I ride my raza skoota through ze night, to get to your heart, to get to heart.”

I enjoy this video on several levels, but foremost for embracing the whole tongue-in-cheek humor of it all. Key points to be made:

1. Why does Dusseldorf look like Gotham City as the digital intro to the video implies?
2. The fashion style of the Handsome Sportz Klub falls somewhere between Falco and the Beastie Boys.
3. Are these Americans poking fun at 80’s German pop muzak (their German sounds pretty decent, but a final ruling is required by Sarcascio’s fiancé, who in fact is German) or Germans making fun of 80’s German pop muzak (even better)?
4. The post-apocalyptic opening scene is only made all the more complete by the presence of “raza skootas”.
5. The dancing ladies in black seem to allude to Robert Palmer’s notoriously bad 80’s music video “Addicted to Love”.

With those points made, enjoy:

shit, what music will i tell my children to listen to when they ask me about this decade?

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this little blog and I blame it on my sly mistress whom I call “chronic laziness”. To be honest, I’m kind of embarrassed to say that I haven’t really been following pop/crap culture in recent weeks. However, today I stumbled upon a pretty decent find while trolling the Internet. It seems British artist Adele is kind of the “it” girl right now, and has been the “it” girl in progressive circles for some time. Sorry, I guess I’m late to the party and a buck short (typical).

Anyway, the main point I bring up Adele is her single “Rolling in the Deep.” I’ll admit, at the beginning of the song I was thinking to myself, “Hmm…Kinda dark smoky voice, bluesy, I likey.” Then the first chorus rolled up around the 1:00 mark and I couldn’t help but think that this song reminded me A LOT of another song. This of course led me on a 25 minute Internet safari until I finally found the song I was looking for, the ever famous “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones.

Released in 1969, “Gimme Shelter” definitely has this ominous feel. According to a Rolling Stone interview with Mick Jagger in 1995, Jagger described the ever present violence of the era, highlighted by the war in Vietnam, and that it was kind of an “end-of-the-world” song. I know, I know, it’s very easy to sit back with decades of time on your side and proclaim that the 60’s and 70’s were filled with rock classics, each conveying important political and social commentary simply not found in today’s music. Trust me, I’m sure there was a lot of shit music back then to, but nobody remembers shit music 30-40 years later.

However, a question remains, “Why hasn’t there been any quality, symbolic period music for the 2000-2010 decade?” I mean, this past decade (especially as an American) was wrought with major political and social events. Think: 9/11, the Iraq War, the Afghanistan War, the entire “War on Terror” mentality, the election of the first African-American president, etc. I mean, you would think such major events would inspire some really great music; songs that would stand the test of time much like the classics from the 1960’s and 1970’s. I’m talking about that instant kind of mental connotation that Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” conveys. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the first time I heard that song I instantly imagined rows of Huey helicopters flying through dense forests (and this is coming from someone whose parents were barely teenagers during the Vietnam War. Furthermore, the only time I’ve actually seen a Huey is at air shows).

Interestingly, it seems that Nirvana, especially their single “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, is being incorporated into the historical lexicon as the representative “period” music of the early 1990’s (I’m sure some people will disagree with this). But it remains to be seen what, if any, true period songs will arise from the recently passed 2000-2010 decade.

If any of you guys know of any, please let me know. Below, for your pleasure, are Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”, the Rolling Stones “Gimmie Shelter” and finally, a mash-up of both. I think the mash-up clears up any doubts you may be having over whether the two songs sound eerily similar.

 

the adventures of “squirtle”: dating, sex and power dynamics

“Got a call from my jeweler, this just in,

Bitches love me ’cause I’m fuckin’ with their best friends,

Not a lesbian, but she a freak though,

This ain’t for one night, I’m shinin’ all week ho”

What do the above lyrics have to do with gender power dynamics? To be honest, I’m not really sure. But what I am certain of is that Wiz Khalifa’s single “Black and Yellow” is 100% CERTIFIED DOPE. Perhaps though, through my eloquent and thought provoking writing (yes, I went to super college), you the reader will be able to infer greater meaning in the above lyrics after reading the following post (I highly doubt it though).

Like most individuals going through the clichéd quarter-life crisis, I often ponder deep questions such as: “What is happiness”, “Does love exist” and “Is Quiznos simply the Subway of the bourgeoisie?” Due to having great friends and Gchat, these deep questions are often pondered and discussed in great length during the work week. All joking aside, recent conversations with a good friend of mine raised some very interesting issues regarding dating, sex, and gender power dynamics in today’s twenty-something year old world. The following is her story, written with her consent, plus commentary.

A well-educated, attractive city girl, my friend who I will refer to as “Squirtle” (she chose this alias, I swear), has had her fair sampling of men. She is one of those individuals who knows what she wants and will use her capabilities to get them. This brings up the first and most obvious point. Individuals who do not know Squirtle (both male and female) may simply label such activity as being “slutty”. However, what does it really mean to be a slut? Is it simply sleeping with numerous individuals? If so, then why are men rarely called sluts and instead praised for their promiscuous activity? Double standard? I think so. I state this not because I am simply a guy selfishly promoting promiscuous females but instead because it seems that the label of “slut” is often used by both genders against females to mask insecurities. By calling someone a slut, you assume you are taking the moral high ground therefore justifying your own actions. It is disappointing that this method is often employed by females against each other. Males, assholes and animals that we are, often do the exact opposite. You don’t know how many times I’ve overheard random drunk males congratulate each other after bragging that they will be in fact leaving the bar/club/party/whatever with a female to go have sex. Why should females who know what they want not be able to explore sexual opportunities without fear of judgment?

Building on this notion, it has long been a stereotype that sex is something “sought” by men and “provided” by women. Anyone with half a brain will tell you that this is bullshit. Yet the issues surrounding the power dynamics of sex raise an interesting issue. According to Squirtle, the strongest defense a woman has is the initial holdout of sex. A “shit test” if you will to see if a guy is really interested in them, or simply interested in getting inside their pants. Being a male I can understand this. The timing issue, as Squirtle pointed out, is something I can only understand conceptually though. How does a woman calculate at what time in the dating process should she have sex? Too early, the guy may just “hit it and quit it”. Too late, and she faces the prospect of the guy losing interest. It’s like the problem faced by executioners back in the days of the gallows: If the rope was too short you risked strangling the condemned. If the rope was too long you risked decapitating them. You have to get the length of the rope just right in order to snap the neck. Delightful simile, no?

Squirtle raised another interesting point in that through her interactions, she has become jaded and cynical as to the possibility of any real emotional attachment forming between her and another individual (this may just be the angst of youth). There have been the instances of flings turning into “something more”, but they ultimately went nowhere. In one case, Squirtle ended the “relationship” once she deemed that the guy was incapable of showing real emotion. Legit reason to end the “relationship”? Sure, I think so. But here is the dilemma I see: If someone puts up strong defenses, how do they expect their partner to make an emotional connection with them? The metaphorical door swings both ways. We all put up emotional defenses in order to protect ourselves from all the assholes and bitches out there, this is true. But in order to have a real chance of emotionally connecting with someone else, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. This is something I’m just beginning to understand as well.

Lastly, and on a more humorous note, I love the fact that Squirtle will employ crazy tactics to see to what lengths guys will go to get laid. Recently, she employed “crazy game” in which she heavily flirted with a male and sprinkled disturbing facts throughout the conversation to see if the male would still be interested. They ranged from the simple, “I enjoy pain” to the more advanced, “I enjoy killing small animals”. Sure enough, none of these deterred the male. Haha, I love how simple minded us males can be. “What did you say girl, Jeffrey Dahmer is your hero? You’re hot; I can get down with that.”

 

blame the jews…introducing turkey’s version of jason bourne

As a twenty-something year old male, there is nothing more I like than a bad action film that tries to interject some socio-political commentary as if trying to save itself from its foreseeable future of ending up in the $4.99 DVD bin at Walmart. One only has to look at recent examples such as:

The Kingdom; AKA: Jamie Foxx blames it on the alcohol…and the Arabs

Green Zone; AKA: Did anyone actually see this?

Body of Lies; AKA: Aww yeah, Dicaprio all up in that Golshifteh Farahani

Black Hawk Down; AKA: Party in Somalia II, Electric Boogaloo in Mogadishu

What I’m trying to get at here is that for some reason, Hollywood feels the need to try and interject a certain sense of geopolitical “reality” into action movies as if gently acknowledging the sub-par intelligence of the masses. Well listen Hollywood, if I wanted to learn something worth value I would pick up a copy of Foreign Policy or The Economist, thank you very much.

I am pleased however to announce that the United States is not the only country to produce such garbage! Enter Turkish special agent Polat Alemdar (rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?) and the “Valley of the Wolves” series. It seems the character of Polat was born in a Turkish television series resembling “24” in which he battles enemies of Turkey (I’m looking at you Israel) and the series has expanded to include two films. The first film, “Valley of the Wolves: Iraq”, did gain some notoriety when it was released four years ago due to its plot involving Jewish doctors harvesting organs of Iraqis and transferring them to Israel for transplants (scandalous, I know). Well, it seems Polat is back again and this time it’s on like Donkey Kong…in Israel.

Enter “Valley of the Wolves: Palestine”. Hot off of the Israeli commando raid on the Mavi Marmara (the aid ship that attempted to break the Israeli blockade of Gaza in May 2010) which resulted in the death of nine activists, Polat decides to take his Turkish ass-kicking skills and a special hit team to Israel to avenge the deaths (umm…Munich anyone?). Based off of the trailer, what follows is a ridiculous revenge-fueled fantasy in which Polat and his crew dispense some pita-tastic justice on the IDF, Israel, and perhaps Jews in general (who knows). But remember, this isn’t just an action flick, this is a movie ripe with deep political commentary on the Middle East. Hence, such amazing dialogue as:

Israel Soldier: “Why did you come to Israel?”

Polat Alemdar: “I did not come to Israel, I came to Palestine.”

Israeli: “You know you won’t make it out of our Promised Land.”

Polat Alemdar: “I don’t know what part of this land has been promised to you, but I promise you-six feet under.”

Oh snap, if that ridiculous dialogue doesn’t get you pumped, I don’t know what will. I have to admit though, the production quality doesn’t look bad on this film. Having unfortunately been exposed to numerous Turkish soap operas by my grandma, Polat may be the best thing Turkey has going for it (besides delicious doner kabob).

View the ridiculous trailer below:

 

Love is in the air….as well as college football

It’s official, with this week’s temperatures in the low-mid 80’s, fall has arrived in Texas (kind of a fucked up indicator, no?). In celebration, I fired up my hookah prior to work, opened the windows, and turned my stereo to the local soft rock station. While pleasant smoke filled my lungs and subsequently the oxygen that should have been reaching my brain, I couldn’t help but to be reminded as to why I really love fall so much. Besides the welcoming drop in temperatures, college football and Thanksgiving, I truly believe fall is the ultimate time in the year to hookup and/or find a boyfriend/girlfriend. But why you may ask? What is soo special about this particular season as to warrant an entire blog post? Well, it is my honor to present to you what should have really been developed into a full-blown college thesis: “Fall: Seasonal Effects on the Courtship Patterns of Homo sapiens” or as Marvin Gaye would put it, “Let’s Get It On”.

I will be the first to admit that my hypothesis lacks heavily in the scientific research arena, but contend that it more than makes up for it based on personal experiences and vague generalities. So let’s begin with the vague generalities. While summer used to be the all-time favorite season as a child, in reality it kinda blows now. Everyone is either working, or if they are still in college is probably stuck at some godforsaken internship. It’s hot, people are bored, and continual perspiration does not lend itself well to sexy time. Fall represents a rebirth if you will.  People are falling back (damn I’m clever) into their normal routines, hence the likelihood that they may be searching for something more stable than a summer fling. Furthermore, both males and females I surveyed (**um, my friends**) agree that cooler weather naturally unleashes the “spooning/cuddling instinct”. Some males may disagree with this assessment in order to safeguard their so-called machismo, but it’s true. Take it from a close friend of mine who once made the sad mistake of admitting that he enjoyed being the “little spoon” when temperatures dropped (mind you his girlfriend at the time was at least 6-7 inches shorter than him and weighed an approximate 70 lbs less than him). Even though I berate him to this day for his confession, my friend’s candor helped bolster the academic credibility of my hypothesis (whatever that means).

So with these factors in play, it is my belief that a “perfect storm” is created allowing people who are normally a bit shy to be more flirtatious in the fall. This of course all culminates in one magical/ridiculous/drunken night: Halloween. Halloween is great for numerous reasons: most people feel totally ok being somebody else, girls use it as an excuse to dress slutty, and let’s not forget the sweet, sweet candy. Mix alcohol into the equation and the next thing you know you’re flirting with a drunken princess/cute animal/cop (you choose). So with all of this said, I urge you to follow in Supertramp’s footsteps and “Give a little bit of your love” to somebody this fall. But please, not in a slutty way, just in that perfect quasi-slutty way that can somewhat pass for being classy.

The following are real experiences regarding fall for your amusement:

-While still in college, I was picked up by a Jewish girl on Halloween night at a bar. She actually thought I was Israeli (jokes on her) and proceeded to buy me drinks for the entire evening. This incident led me to conclude that Jewish girls are awesome because they are the ones who pick you up and buy you drinks. Hooray for gender equality! Note: She was dressed as a bumblebee.

-I met a girl I dated for a bit at a house party following a college Halloween party. While I was too drunk to recall meeting her there, and she later admitted that she had been on Ecstasy the entire evening, there was something magical in the air that night.

-While in grad school, I attended a Halloween party dressed as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. The evening ended with some smoochy-smoochy with a drunk bumblebee, who in a moment of utter silence proceeded to flagellate in front of me. She later blamed the pumpkin spice cupcakes that were served earlier in the evening.

*Writer’s note: I will definitely be keeping me eyes open for girls dressed as bumblebees from now on.

Also for your enjoyment, please find this dope video by LCD Soundsystem which was shot in Houston. Hooray for the robot!

unemployment = kesha = wtf?

You know that part in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the infamous scene where the earwigs are introduced. Yeah, well, I’m coming to the conclusion that unemployment is a little like that. Now you may be saying, “Oh, come on. It’s only been two months. Don’t be a Debby downer.” Well that’s easy for you to say, because tonight I had one of the most disturbing epiphanies I’ve had in a long time…

I was watching Kesha’s new music video for “Take It Off”, and all of a sudden I found myself thinking, “Damn, Kesha looks good! Sure, she looks a bit unwashed, but damn she’s hot! Wait did I just think that? FUCK! WHERE AM I? WHAT DAY IS IT?”

Now the topic of Kesha, her potential hotness, and her desperate need of a shower have all been discussed in-depth by me and my good friend Sarcascio (the other half of TheBookofPop) on numerous occasions. While it is true that Sarcascio himself is a self-described “pervert”, I must say he is a true lover of the ladies (I guess all perverts are ) and he is one of the few people I know who proudly proclaimed his belief that Kesha is, in fact, hot, at the very beginning. But then again, Sarcascio has always been a man ahead of his time, a Renaissance man if you will, just like Adam Levine of Maroon 5.

With that foundation set, the following are several of my musings/thoughts/reflections on the one and only, Kesha:

1. Why am I attracted to someone who I have with 100% conviction deemed requires a shower? Those who know me well know what a clean and neat freak I am, and therefore this attraction to Kesha seems truly to conflict with my nature. Hmmm…Perhaps it has something to do with the concept of showering with Kesha? Seriously girl, HIT ME UP! I HAVE SOME DOVE BODYWASH AND A LOOFAH WITH YOUR NAME ON THEM!

2. Has music really come to this? REALLY? The best you could think of for your new single “Take It Off” was to set it to the tune of a childhood dirty rhyme from elementary school? C’mon! “There’s a place in France, where the naked ladies dance. There’s a hole in the wall, where the men can see it  all.” ABSOLUTE BAFOONERY!

3. For someone with slightly edgier lyrics than the countless Disney-bots being pumped into the pop market, none of Kesha’s videos really capture her raw, unbridled, Whiskey-drinking, Trans-Am driving skank aura.

4. Is it just me, or does that dude from Kesha’s “Your Love Is My Drug” music video look like Jesus?

5. Lastly, has anyone else noticed that Kesha doesn’t really sing? She either speaks her lyrics, or when she does “sing”, it sounds as though the voice of 14-year-old boy going through puberty and a mule braying where somehow both put through Autotune at the same time. Perplexing, really…

***Click here to view Kesha’s “Take It Off Video” in all its glory.***

i want you to notice when i’m not around….hence why I keep updating my damn FB status

Like millions of Americans this past weekend, I went and saw the totally bad-ass film Inception. However, this post isn’t about Inception (trust me, it deserves one, but I probably wouldn’t do the movie any justice). This post is about one of the trailers they played before Inception, you know the one, the one that made the entire theatre go silent because everyone could automatically relate to it: The Social Network.

Being released in October, The Social Network plans to tell the story of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, his ego, how Facebook grew from a Harvard dorm room in 2003 into the largest social network site in the world, and so on and so forth. Now, I must admit, the movie does look interesting, but what really set the tone were those creative bastards who chose the Scala and Kolacny cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” to be played in the trailer. And it got me to thinking, “What the fuck has social networking done to us?”

Now, I’ll admit, I’m no sociologist, or extremely old sage who has the wisdom of centuries (more like unemployed kid with a master’s degree), but I do remember what the world was like before Facebook, text messaging, and the constant, want, no NEED, to feel connected to everyone and everything, no matter how weak that connection is.

The thing is, Facebook is not something revolutionary because of what it does. No, in fact Facebook would not be what it is today if it weren’t for human nature. Yes, the technology is new, but that desire to know everybody’s business as well as showing off is as old as time. The danger however lies in the younger generations who do not understand that things like Facebook help to build on the foundation of real relationships, instead of replacing real relationships. Technology has made it possible to make our interactions, relationships, and communication all quick commodities that can be discarded if they do not please or serve us….

And here is the irony of it all, social networking only works because we actively choose to participate in it. Nobody forces you to put up a million pictures of that party you went to last weekend. Nobody forces you to change your relationship status so the rest of the world can know. In fact, you probably wouldn’t be reading this post if it wasn’t for Facebook. It would seem then that Mark Zuckerberg simply capitalized on this simple human notion:

“I want you to notice,

  When I’m not around,

  You’re so fucking special

    I wish I was special”

white people can’t dance. psshhh, this is the 21st century, the future is here

Well its been a while, and I apologize for the lack of posting. Furthermore, recently I haven’t come across any shitty pop culture that has really moved me. You know? Sometimes something reaches out to you and touches you (no, not in the creepy pedophile way). Well I am glad to say that the metaphorical dry spell is over. With summer and unemployment both here (yippee!!!), the flood gates to both my amount of free time and shitty/weird/pop-culture have been blown wide open!

So here we go! First off, we all are well aware of the stereotype that “White people can’t dance.” While any well educated person will tell you that stereotypes are in deed based off of a general truth, the reason they are called stereotypes is because they do not apply to all individuals of a group. Case and point, this beast of a dancing machine below! To be honest, when this video started I assumed, “Oh great, some indie white kid in his basement.” But let’s be clear, when you assume things, you make an ass out of both you and me (Get it, huh, get it? Pretty clever, huh? Ok, not really). Anyway, as the video progresses, you can clearly see that the boy has some god damn monkey arm moves that if he could also transfer to his legs, he would be the next Michael Jackson of dancing. Furthermore, the song “Jeffer” by Boys Noize is absolutely dope! So, if you happen to be white and are feeling a little self-conscious about your dancing abilities at a wedding/reunion/whatever, close your eyes and imagine this dancing beast. Let him guide you and serve as your muse. For one day, you too can drink from a volcano…