I recently made the sad, sad mistake of wasting over two hours of my life watching the atrocity known as Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I HATE YOU MICHAEL BAY! I HATE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH. OK, now that that is out of my system, let me continue. There were so many things wrong with this movie that even the presence of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley did little to abate my frustration. However, there was a very short scene in the film, near the beginning, that caught my attention.
Before the whole Autobot/Decepticon showdown begins, it seems the Autobots were busy carrying out black ops for the United States. This includes a little Middle East excursion in which the Autobots destroy one of Iran’s nuclear facilities. The scene included perhaps 5-10 extras that play Iranian soldiers, of which, two had simple speaking parts in Farsi. This is where I would usually tell Michael Bay to go fuck himself for trying to insert some watered down geo-politics into his already shitty movie, but it got me thinking…..HOLY CRAP! PLAYING THE STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN IN HOLLYWOOD MOVIES COULD BE A CASHCOW FOR IRANIANS!!!
Let’s be honest, Hollywood has gone through the laundry list of America’s enemies when picking who to portray as villains in their movies. During the 1980’s it was the Soviets (e.g. Rocky IV, Rambo III, Red Dawn, etc). The fall of the Soviet Union in the early 1990’s however left a vacuum since Hollywood had lost its traditional villain. This ushered in a bizarre period in which movie villains were often European terrorists or anarchists (umm…the entire Die Hard series). While this brief foray was entertaining, it was short lived. The 2000’s of course ushered in the era of the Middle Eastern terrorist (and by Middle Eastern, I mean Arab), though I give huge props to 1994’s True Lies for being nearly a decade ahead of the curve. However, in a period of greater cultural sensitivity, some of these films did try to portray the complexities of the geo-politics of the Middle East (most notably Syriana). Others simply went for the shoot-em up style found in The Kingdom.
Like all things though, times have changed. The so-called “Arab Spring” is upon on us. It is time that Hollywood move on to an entirely new bad guy……THE IRANIANS!!! Think of all the extra work opportunities that would become available for Iranian-Americans? Shit, I’m pretty sure you could film in parts of L.A. as a substitute for Tehran. Now I know what you’re thinking, “This will only serve to further the negative stereotype of Iranians.” My response to this would simply be to look around you. We all have that cousin Dariush, excuse me…DAVID, cruising around in his black-on-black-on-black BMW blasting horrible Euro-trash music. David’s wardrobe consists of Ed Hardy t-shirts, designer jeans and industrial sized amounts of cologne and hair gel. Frankly, I think any damage to the perception of Iranians has already been done. Let’s at least make some money in the process!
Another point, probably overlooked, is the fact that on a basic level including more Iranians in films (even though as villains) may serve an educational purpose to the dumbest of the dumb. Let’s be honest, how many times have ignorant people just assumed that Iranians are Arabs? Wouldn’t it be refreshing for once to hear a redneck insult you by yelling something along the lines of, “Hey! Iranian! Take your ghormeh sabzee eating, ghalyoon smoking, Googoosh loving asses out of my country, white power!”
With all this said, I already have ideas brewing for potential roles that Iranians could play. One of this summer’s biggest blockbusters coming up is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I know someone who would be perfect for the lead role, what do you think?
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